Photo Update and the Sister Backstory

She's HERE!!  She's HERE!!!  My sister has arrived!  And of course with that comes the deluge of photos.  So these are my update photos for you as well.  I know they are all sitting...I'll work on getting one that's not.  Aside from that, I feel beautiful.  I look healthy.  I see a whole new C. in these pictures than what my brain often tells me.  I sure am ready for my brain to accept how far I've come in this journey!!  Till then I'll just keep trying to shock it with TONS of pictures.

My sister is Christine, she is in the purple on the right.  Isn't she just stunning?  She takes my breath away sometimes.  She is just beautiful in every way.  She was 13 when our dad married my mom (in the middle), and two years after that I was born.  (My mom and our dad have now been married almost 30 years.)  As kids, Christine was often given the responsibility of babysitting me, and it was her job to pick me up from daycare when she would get out of her high school classes for the day.  As far as I can recall, she has always been kind and generous to me, though she says there were times that she lost her patience with me, like any normal teen would when charged with the care of a toddler.  She has not only been a wonderful sister to me, but she has been like a mother to me in so many ways.

I love that in this picture we all appear to be about the same size.  Being the fattest girl in a picture always sucks.  It's easy for me to point out how alike we look in so many ways.  When I was very heavy (and my features distorted by fat), I remember not being able to see the resemblance.

That's our dad.  He has turned out to be a really TRULY wonderful dad. He just gets better and better with age.  He's my friend.  I don't think a lot of people can say that about their dads.  I realize how very lucky I am even to have a father in the picture.  It's truly a blessing that I ended up with a very GOOD one to boot.

He struggles with his weight constantly.  I worry more and more that I might not get very many more pictures with him.  I try my very best to be a good role model for him.  Though, I know I also enable him because many of our interaction revolves around food.  It's quite the conundrum for me.

I just love this photo.  It makes me  smile.  I can see the love we have.  We LOOK like sisters.  Also, I like how my legs and shape look.  I always seem to think my calves are still HUGE.  Here they look proportionate and about the same size as Christine's, comparatively.

Despite all the eating out we've done since she's gotten here, I'm still making good choices and finding it easy to make them.  I eat only half a portion and save up points by eating fruit to stave off hunger.  I think it's working well, though I'm not watching the scale religiously.  I did fit into those black shorts I'm wearing in the pictures today, and they had previously been too snug to wear comfortably.

I couldn't get to an aerobics class  on Friday, but I did get on the elliptical for 30 minutes.  I went to a weight training class today (Saturday) but didn't get in any cardio, and I felt pretty antsy from missing it.  I got agitated when we had to sit down for too long (I HATE waiting) and kept feeling these bursts on energy where I wanted to bolt up a set of steps or jog to the next store, I took the dogs for a quick run around the block in the afternoon and felt better for a little while.  It was strange to think that my body was missing having my heart racing!!?

#5 People I'd Be Stuck In A Box With

My sister gets here tomorrow and I'm SO SO SO excited.  My sister is definitely in my top 5 people I would choose to an eternity with in a locked box if ever needed.  We're very much alike in all the right ways.

I've been using her visit as a way to avoid "bad" (not in compliance with my goals) options.  And I've used it to make SURE I get into a group fitness class everyday.  It's been difficult, I won't lie.

Sometimes hourly I'm telling myself, "C., don't eat that, you'll have an opportunity to indulge some this weekend with family.  Just wait until then.  Yes, you can wait until then.  It will be worth it.  If you eat it, how will you feel?  You'll wish you hadn't.  So just don't eat it.  DON'T EAT IT!!  Just walk away...  SPIT THAT OUT!!!  RIGHT NOW!!  No, don't even look back.  LEAVE THE EFFING KITCHEN YOU RETARD!!"

...and...

"I'm SO tired.  I don't know if I have the energy to get through a whole aerobics class.  Can I skip it?  ...My (fill in the blank) is sore from last nights' class, maybe I should just stay home and rest.  EFF that, C., you can rest when you're dead.  Your sister is coming this weekend.  You know she will talk to you about it.  She will be so proud of you.  I'll do it because I love her.  Take yo ass ta class, girl..."

So it's been tough, but I'm hanging on and the scale is agreeing.  I'm feeling great.  I'm feeling better about how I look.  I'm proud that I'm keeping up with the other people in my aerobics class.  I feel like my body is happy with the changes I've made.  I'm praying that the momentum I've built up these past few weeks waiting for her arrival will carry me through after she leaves as well.

I'm looking for new motivation as we speak.

This was the last time I saw my sister, in St. Louis, June 2011.  Going around the table from the bottom left, sister that is visiting, then my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, my brother, his two sons, my other sister, and my Dad. :o)  You know, thinking back to my earlier statement about people I wouldn't mind being stuck in a box with, all the women shown here are in the top 5.  Hubby is #1, of course.

Ready to Continue

I'm here and I'm ready to begin again.  I'm back on track and feeling great.  Pictures will be up soon.  I'm currently weighing in at 193 lbs.  My goal is 165lbs by the end of the year.

Yes, I know that I could absolutely power my way to 165 in a matter of weeks, but now I'm interested in going slow and teaching myself about what my life will be like from now on.  I'm sure we've all heard that the faster you lose weight, the more likely you are to gain it back and I'm taking that to heart.

I've found satisfaction for the past few months in saying that as long as my weight still has a '1' in the front, I will be happy.  Obviously some of you will balk at that, but if you see my big picture in that I have had a '3' in the front of my weight for most of my adult life, keeping a '1' in the front for more than a year has been quite an accomplishment.

But, during the past year, because I haven't been totally committed to a diet or exercise program, I have gained about 20lbs back from my lowest of 173.  That's quite a lot for a person to gain in a year and if I continued on that path, I would be back to 300+ lbs in about 5 years.  That is completely unacceptable to me.

So now my journey is not so much about the weight loss as it is figuring out how to maintain it.  I am at this time interested in losing, but at a MUCH slower pace.  I need to figure out a rhythm of eating, indulging, exercising, and relaxing that will even out my weight.  If I'm not losing, I'm gaining...and thus would be my constant struggle.  Maintaining sounds like a better plan to me.

That being said, my biggest supporter and sister will coming to visit in a couple weeks and I have found a tremendous amount of motivation in that.  I've jumped back in with both feet and have stayed on track with my diet, choosing healthy options over not healthy, tracking my intake, staying within my point range and exercising about 6 days a week.  My resolve is strong ( I turned down Cinnabon for Christ's sake!!), I'm recognizing cravings for what they are, and I'm exercising my willpower by saying no to at least one option daily.  I feel dedicated.

33 weeks left in the year means that I need to lose around 1.1lbs per week to achieve my goal. I recognize that diet is a tremendous part of a weight lose journey, but I would like to reach a point where it is my habit and resolve to make healthy choices so that I won't need to count points (track everything I eat) every meal for the rest of my life.  Which means that the role of exercise will become the forefront during this leg of my journey.

Stay tuned...

How can I change this?

Today was free pancake day at IHOP.  I pre-planned to only get the short stack- 10 points.  But, somehow when I got there...I heard myself ordering an omelette and the short stack.  Damn.  My lunch today was 30 points.  ...I only get 33 a day...  I do have my weeklies, but I hadn't planned to use them.

Why didn't I just stick to plan?  I'm not being self pitying- don't leave me comments telling me to forgive myself and move on.  I am trying to move on.  And I think that to do that I need a better understanding about why it is so hard for me to stick to the plan.  It is self sabotage in that my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach (should be) and that food can be such an overwhelming experience as to make me order food with my mouth without any conscience recollection of my brain actually deciding to.

How can I change this?  How can I make food less impulse and more mindful?

First week back to WW

Back to Weight Watchers and feeling GREAT!  Down 3 lbs on my first weigh in on Saturday.  I've decided to stop writing this blog with the expectation that other people will read it.  While I do so enjoy your company around here, it's stressful for me to feel pressured to write to you all- all conversational and in order when really in my head I pretty much think in bullet points.LOL  So I'm just writing for me.

I have had a hard time getting back into the habit of breakfast.  Most likely that's because for about a month there (while I was binging) I would eat so much the night before that I was still waking up full and wouldn't eat again until lunch.  Anyway, this morning it's raining and that made me decide on a boiled egg and a warm cup of mocha (made with just water) for 3 pts.  It was simple, quick, and not too filling.  I'll know that I'm back to "normal" eating when I can wake up without my fingers being swollen sausages for the first half hour in the morning.

I'm not completely certain about what I'll eat lunch yet, but I'm thinking it will probably be a vegetable stir fry, and  I may add some beans for more protein.  I have been craving tuna lately though.  I'm trying to steer myself back into a mostly vegetarian diet (because that's when I felt my best), but I don't want to deprive myself too strictly yet or that all-or-nothing attitude will knock me over.  I just keep telling myself, "C., don't get cocky...you're still walking a fine line."

Yesterday Hubby and I went roller skating.  Me for the first time in a long time, him EVER!  He used to roller blade as a kid, but never on skates.  He had a GREAT time and is really sore. LOL  I had fun too.  We are looking forward to doing it again.  WW says that 10 minutes of roller skating earns 2 activity points.  I think that's a bit high...  Next week I'm going to wear my polar watch and see what I'm actually burning.

Exercise has been a struggle for me too.  I'm bored with it.  It just doesn't sound fun.  Rollerskating was though!  But I won't e able to do that but once a week or so, so I've GOT to find something else.  There are lots of classes offered through my YMCA membership- but the ones I'm interested in right now are conflicting with my work schedule.  ...I just have to keep trying and stay on top of it.

Even though I'm back to just under 200 lbs (my lowest being 173), I'm feeling great about my progress.  I'm still down 120 lbs from where I started.  I still like how I look.  I still feel like I can do anything I want.  I still feel attractive and sexy.  They call it a journey for a reason, and now I've learned about myself and am ready to carry on.  My goal is 180lbs.  Because of all that- I got my nose pierced.  I've wanted to do it for awhile but always felt like only the pretty girls did that.  Well, I'm a pretty girl now. :)

OH!  Also got a cute new skirt!!  I take pictures in the dressing room of new clothes because for some reason what I see in the mirror is NOT what shows up in a picture.  Wonder if anyone else has that problem?  Body dysmorphia?  ...Spring HAS to be just around the corner...

Where I'm at...

I've been using the elliptical to exercise ever since I quit working at the "gym job."  That's been about 4 months now and I can assure you all that the mere mention of exercising on the elliptical for 40 minutes makes me want to cry.  My weight has crept back up about 20 pounds in the past 7 months, but I am SO effing bored with it and the fact of the matter is, I wasn't doing it nearly often enough.  I would go through spurts- going 6 days a week for two weeks, then nothing for two weeks.  The all or nothing attitude I struggle with has been convincing me not to follow my diet as closely because I wasn't exercising either.  I do NOT want to end up where I started ever again.  The one thing that I have learned is that as long as I never stop trying to maintain a healthy weight, I will be better off than never trying at all.  So even when I'm failing, I'm always looking for an opportunity to get back on the bandwagon.

I have some things coming up in the next 6-8 weeks that I've found to be very important to me and having a fit body will make these occasions even more enjoyable for me.  The first is in the middle of March and I will be accompanying the family I nanny for to Boston for a family wedding.  This wedding will be an EXTREMELY affluent event.  There will be many of the city's best doctors and lawyers present and 6-year-old is the bride's niece and will therefore also be "flower girl."  Needless to say, I will be dressed to the nines and would like to fit into photos.  And, to say the very least, there will be people there that I wouldn't mind leaving a good impression on.  I've gotten myself the fanciest dress I've owned since my wedding dress and would like to fit in it a bit better before the wedding.

Here it is now, straight out of the box it arrived in:

It is a size 14 and a bit snugger than I would like for it to be.  I will need to have it altered (hemmed) and I will need a new bra for it.  But I think that some general improvement in my body tone will also greatly enhance how I look in this dress.

The second event is the "Colorrun."  I've convinced my mom to go with me to the upcoming Atlanta race that happens March 31st this year.  I had a facebook friend post about it and it just looked like so much fun that I promised myself that if I ever got the opportunity to go, I would.  Mom is a good sport about anything related to me being more healthy (because she's the best mom ever) and she seemed instantly excited about the idea to have a mother- daughter weekend and exercise to boot.  Mom has been running 4-5 miles every single day for years and years.  She doesn't run fast, she just sets her pace and follows her own little outdoor neighborhood map she's created.  So, I would like to be able to keep up with her for this race.  That would mean that I will need to be able to run for 30-40 minutes.  So far, the best I have done is running a 13 minute mile without stopping.  I know that part of the problem is that running has HUGE mental blocks for me.  I lose faith in myself very quickly and can't seem to push myself to continue.  I know that I go hard on the elliptical for 40 minutes pretty easily, so I know that I have the "fitness" to achieve running for 30-40 minutes, it's got to be in my brain that I'm failing myself with.  At any rate, I would like to improve this in the next 8 weeks.

These up-coming events have had me researching new ways to get me excited about exercise again, and I've landed with a membership at the YMCA.  I met with my "personal trainer" today and had a great, fun workout!  I hope I can afford to keep doing these meetings.  I will find out Saturday what the pricing schedule will be.  I'm also excited to go to several of the group fitness classes that the Y offers like Zumba, and Kickboxing.  More posts on this to come. :)

Apple Ring Pancakes

Back story is that I received a nice apple corer for Christmas and I've been looking for ways to use it as often as possible.  I have been drooling over a recipe idea since I found it on Pinterest about 2 weeks ago and I woke up this morning excited that today would finally be the day I would get to actually EAT it.

The recipe only requires two ingredients, three if you count water as an ingredient.  Pancake mix and an apple.  Doesn't get easier than that for a hot morning meal!!  I used Hungry Jack wheat complete mix and since I was making a single serving, I had to just add water in a little at a time because the directions on the back only give specific measurements of pancake/water ratio for 6-8 pancakes and up- which is STUPID!! (( I'm so fed up with our label requirements for boxed food!!))  That of course didn't stop me from wanting pancakes though, so I got out my 1/3 single serving scoop of pancake mix and added 2 Tbsp Torani's Sugar Free Caramel Syrup a heavy sprinkling of ground cinnamon and added water a bit at a time to make a thick batter.  I cored and sliced my apple, blotted the slices dry with a towel, and dredged both sides of the apple slice through the pancake batter and dropped them into a hot non-stick skillet.  One flip and 4 minutes later- HEAVEN!!

I realize this is not the best picture of my life, but I was too excited and hungry to eat them to take the time for staging and all that business.  I love everything ABOUT these apple ring pancakes!  It's like healthy toaster streudell!!!  The apple cooks and softens while the pancake batter cooks.  The apple (and the syrup I added) make the pancake sweet enough that you don't need pancake syrup and that means I can eat it with my hands, which is a PLUS for me for my morning meals.  I don't often get to sit down and enjoy my breakfast- it is generally eaten on the go.  It was quick to make and super easy to put together.  I did it from start to finish in about 12 minutes.  I've already come up with some different ideas to try out (like PB2 in the pancake batter?!  WORD!!)  I wonder if this would work for a banana, kiwi, mango, FRUIT?  THAT is why I'm so excited about this recipe!!  So many great healthy possibilities!  Please try this out you won't be disappointed!